One of the most common questions we hear from clients is: “Should I tell my kids what’s in my estate plan?” More often than not, the answer is yes.
Talking to your adult children about your estate plan isn’t always easy. These conversations can bring up all kinds of emotions, like worries about fairness, money, aging, and family dynamics. But when they are approached with openness and intention, these talks can also bring peace of mind, help avoid conflict, and provide an opportunity to share your values and reasoning while you still can.
Why Talk About It Now?
There are plenty of good reasons to start the conversation sooner rather than later. Maybe you recently updated your plan, created a trust, or made decisions you want your family to understand.
Maybe you simply want to allay their fears and let them know that you have a plan in place, should something happen.
Framing the conversation as a gift – something you’re doing to make things easier for them – can help ease any discomfort. Try opening with something like, “I’ve been thinking about how to make things simpler for you in the future, and I want to walk you through what I’ve put in place.”
Start with the Big Picture
You don’t have to get into every detail right away. Begin by sharing your overall goals. What are you trying to accomplish with your estate plan? Perhaps it’s ensuring fairness, providing for a child with special needs, protecting family assets, or minimizing conflict. Explaining your “why” is often more impactful than diving into the “what.”
These conversations can (and probably should) unfold over time. As your children process what you share, they may return with more questions. Keeping the dialogue open makes space for ongoing clarity and understanding.
Explaining Roles: Trustee, Executor, and Power of Attorney
If you’ve named one child to serve in a fiduciary role (as trustee, executor, or agent under a power of attorney) be clear about why. These roles are likely based on skills and availability, not favoritism.
Each of these roles has its own level of responsibility, and often, there’s a level of detail involved that can be difficult for some people to navigate, especially when it has to do with close family members. They might not have the time or bandwidth, or it might simply be something they prefer not to have to deal with.
Reassure your children that this is a practical decision, not a reflection of how much you love each child. And be sure to talk with the designated person or people ahead of time to confirm they’re willing and able to serve.
If Your Plan Isn’t “Equal”
Not all estate plans divide things evenly, and that’s okay, but it helps to explain why. Perhaps one child has greater needs or received significant support earlier in life. Maybe assets are being held in a Special Needs Trust to preserve benefits, or a family business is going to the sibling most involved.
Whatever your reasons, sharing them now can help reduce hurt feelings or confusion later. When your decisions are guided by values like fairness, gratitude, or responsibility, feel free to let your family know. Again, knowing the “why” behind your decisions can go a long way toward mitigating hurt feelings and disagreements later on.
Communication Matters Even More in Blended Families
If you’re part of a blended family, communication is especially important. Whether your plan includes stepchildren, biological children, adopted children, or all of the above, clarity can go a long way in preventing tension or misunderstandings.
Estate planning in a blended family can be a complicated matter, which is why our team takes the time to understand your goals and create a plan that is tailored specifically to your needs.
Estate planning documents don’t tell the whole story, but you can. When families understand the reasons behind your decisions, even complex plans feel more personal and intentional
Don’t Overlook Sentimental Items
Disagreements over money are one thing…but personal items often spark the most emotional disputes.
Family heirlooms, jewelry, photos, and even holiday decorations can carry deep meaning. Ask your children if there are specific items that matter to them. Consider documenting those wishes in a letter of instruction or a list to accompany your estate plan.
Some people find it helpful to have their extended family members choose one or two items they would like to have when the time comes, things that hold sentimental value, and mark the bottom of those items with a sticky note or piece of masking tape with their names. Others might talk with children and older grandchildren individually, sharing memories and taking note of different items to leave to them.
Taking the time to talk about things like this beforehand can do a lot to make sure your family members feel they’re a part of the process.
Write It Down: Summary and Memo of Intent
In addition to verbal conversations, providing a written overview of your estate plan can offer tremendous clarity. A simple summary that outlines key roles (like who your trustee or executor is), where important documents are stored, and what your overall intentions are can prevent confusion down the line.
A Memo of Intent (sometimes called a Letter of Intent) can be especially meaningful. This document allows you to explain your hopes, values, and reasoning behind your choices – not just the legal decisions, but the emotional and personal ones too. It’s a powerful way to share your voice and make your wishes clearer for your loved ones.
Consider a Family Meeting
Some families choose to gather everyone together for a family meeting. This can be especially helpful if your plan is complex or if you anticipate questions or concerns. Having a professional present (like your estate planning attorney) can help keep the conversation productive and ensure everyone receives the same accurate information. Whether you prefer one-on-one discussions or a group meeting, there’s value in opening the door to dialogue.
At times, our clients value our help in planning and carrying out these meetings. This is actually something we offer through our Trust Maintenance Program after their estate plan is complete so they can have an easier time explaining everything to the people they love.
Keep Your Plan Updated and Accessible
Make sure your plan reflects your current wishes and that your family knows where to find important documents. This includes your will or trust, power of attorney, advance health care directive, and instructions for accessing digital accounts. Also, take time to review your beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and life insurance policies, as these pass outside your trust and should align with your overall plan.
(By the way – this is another service we offer through our Trust Maintenance Program!)
Anticipate Questions and Emotions
Some of these conversations will be easy. Others may not. Your children may feel surprised, upset, or unsure about your decisions. That’s okay. The goal isn’t to eliminate every possible reaction – it’s to give your family the chance to hear from you directly, in your own words.
If your children don’t get along, you might consider separate conversations or involving a neutral third party, like your estate planning attorney. You can also structure your plan to minimize interactions between siblings who may not work well together.
Common Questions We Hear
What if my children are upset about my decisions?
Acknowledge their feelings and explain your reasoning. You don’t have to change your plan, but offering context can help your children process and accept your choices.
How do I handle children who don’t get along?
Separate meetings can reduce tension. You might also choose fiduciaries from outside the family or set up systems that reduce the need for joint decision-making.
When is the right time to talk?
Sooner is better. Once your plan is complete or updated, it’s a good time to share. Don’t wait for a crisis to start the conversation.
Your Legacy Is More Than Your Assets
Talking with your adult children about your estate plan is one of the most powerful ways to protect not just your assets, but your relationships. It’s a chance to share your intentions, reduce future stress, and pass along something even more valuable than money: your love, your values, and your voice.
If you’d like help preparing for this conversation – or if it’s time to create or revisit your estate plan – we’re here to help. Our team specializes in inclusive, thoughtful planning for families of all kinds, including blended families and those with loved ones with special needs.
Let’s start the conversation.